Can you believe today is the last day of January?  What a month it has been…. January has been a busy and productive month. We had a great group of folks join in on The Gently Moving Forward from Clutter to Clarity program in January.  My friend and colleague Elizabeth Love and I launched our Boundaries for Life Program.  I am still supporting my corporate clients and working with a a fabulous web designer to update this website.  There have been lots of balls in the air and I can’t wait to share the new website with you all!

This past week was the most action packed week of the entire month.  I have had to remind myself every day to Gently Move Forward. On Thursday,  I led a  presentation/corporate training on Behavioral Interviewing with one of my corporate clients in San Francisco.  In the middle of the presentation I got a headache and felt tension in my eyes. It might have been that I was sitting right next to the head of the conference table and had to strain to see the folks who were on sitting along the edges of the conference room. It might have been a reaction to the fluorescent lighting. It definitely was a message for me.  When I got back to my car I realized that I had somehow lost one of my contact lenses. I also noticed in the rearview mirror that my eyes were crossed.

My immediate reaction was to beat myself up.  I spent about a minute lashing out at myself when I realized my eyes had most likeley been crossed in the presentation.  I felt my face begin to flush as emotions bubbled up to the surface. I had made an effort to look my best.  I had my hair done in the morning and put time into wardrobe selection.  I wanted to put my best foot forward in the training.  Having my eye cross was not in the plan.  This brought up memories from my child hood being teased for having crossed eyes and glasses.

I wore glasses from the time I was three until I was thirteen. I didn’t mind the glasses, but as a kid I got the typical “four eyes” teasing through out my childhood. I was tired of being bullied and wanted a break. There is nothing more that a thirteen year old wants than to simply fit in.  Much to my mothers protests, I decided the summer before I entered high school that I was going to stop wearing my glasses.  My plans were to spend every day at the beach and I thought my glasses were going to get into the way of my plan to fit in with the surf culture of Southern California. I was tired of being teased for my glasses and just wanted a break.  At the end of the summer, before returning to school, my Mom scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor, a specialist.  The doctor told Mom, “Mrs Nelson, your daughter has 20/20 vision and has corrected her crossed eyes. You have nothing to worry about right now. Your daughters eyesight is fine.  It is perfectly safe for her to not wear glasses. What may happen is that her eyes will continue to correct themselves and she may need glasses in college for near sightedness.  Sure enough, when I was nineteen, I needed to get corrective lenses for with a slight prescription for nearsightedness.  For the most part, my eyes track well and do not cross unless I am very tired, under a great amount of stress or drink more than one or two alcoholic beverages.

I spent about a minute beating myself up for my eyes crossing during an important meeting.  The client is one of my favorite corporate clients, and I have met with the senior partners and admin teams many times over the past four years. This was the first time in front of the whole company and the first time I met many of the employees that I helped to hire.  First impressions are important and I was concerned.

The really cool thing is that I only spent about a minute self-flagellating.  After that minute, my inner wisdom kicked in and took over.  I told myself that beating myself up was the worst thing I could do, and knew the answer was to immediately shift my perspective and send myself as much love as I could muster.

So here I am in my car, pulling out of the garage in the financial district of San Francisco, with one eye squinting because I can’t see well without my contact lenses.  My instincts told me that squinting was the safest way to drive home.  I looked in the rear view mirror, and see my right eye looking directly back at me and my left eye turned in.

Right then and there, I told myself: “I love me and accept me exactly how I am in this moment”.  I reminded myself that what other people think of me is really none of my business. I assessed the training and knew I performed well.  I may not have looked my best, but I gave it my best. The team thanked me for my efforts for the past four years and I am confident that I have provided knowledge, value and sparked conversation.

As I drove down Montgomery street I realized that I had pushed myself too hard this week with my schedule and the expectations I put on myself to do everything well.  I called my dear friend Karen and told her the story.  The emotions were right at the surface and I started to cry.  She encouraged me to pull over and take a few deep breaths.  I became aware of my breathing and slowed it down. I pulled myself together and promised myself a good cry when I got home. I kept that promise to myself.   Karen looked up “crossed eyes” from a Louise Hay book and shared with me that according to Louise crossed eyes are about: Not wanting to see what’s out there. Crossed purposes.  The affirmation provided in the book was something like, “I see clearly, my purpose is clear and I am at peace”.  I focused on driving safely with one eye on the way home.  I also breathed in love and focused on peace.  I told myself to be grateful for the fact that my eyes have managed to track well for the most part since I was thirteen. And I assured myself that my eyes would most likely be fine as I got some rest and reduced my stress level.  I also told myself that, even if the worst possible outcome (in my vain mind) happened and if the crossed eyes did not straighten, that I was loved and could still have a happy and meaningful life.  For rest of the drive home. I stayed calm and kept sending myself love. Whenever I had a negative, fearful or vain thought, I responded to myself with love and focused on peace.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and my eyes were no longer crossed.

Love is the most powerful tool we have to help us to navigate through life’s challenges.

I think the incident was a multi-layered message for me.  My  understanding is still  unfolding.

This is what I know for sure:

I was under too much stress for my own good last week.

My body responded.

I am resilient.

I can love myself, even when my eyes are crossed.

I can be vulnerable.  And it is OK.  Even in a corporate environment.

I need to build more down time into my calendar and continue my commitment to daily exercise (today will be day 11!)

Love is healing.   Gratitude is healing.  Forgiveness is healing.

I can choose to Gently Move Forward and actively invite more gentleness into my life.

This experience was powerful for me, that is why I am sharing it with you here.

Here’s the thing.  Helping other people connect with their Inner Wisdom and invite more gentleness into their lives is my passion.  Life presents us with opportunities on a daily basis to choose love over fear.  We have free will. We can choose.  Aligning with love completely changed my experience on Thursday.  I am so grateful.

February is going to be a AWESOME month!  I am pretty sure that the new web website will be live and it will be fun to share with you all.  In anticipation of the launch and as an antidote to the negative feelings that come up for some folks around Valentine’s Day,  I will be blogging about LOVE here on the GMF blog and I have invited some of my friends to join me.   It is my hope that you will be inspired to invite more love into your life and give more love.   If you want love. Be Love.

In Love and Gratitude Gently Moving Forward